


Sanctuary

by Nahiel



Series: Evil Author Day 2018 [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Incomplete, M/M, Multi, Read at Your Own Risk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-03-18 21:39:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13690338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nahiel/pseuds/Nahiel
Summary: When Severus overhears the prophecy, he makes a different choice, and instead goes to James Potter with the information and a request for Sanctuary.  James Potter grants his request, although Severus really doesn't know what he's just asked for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a part of my Evil Author Day set for 2018 (Evil Author Day being an event started by one of my favorite writers, wherein works are posted incomplete in all their incomplete glory). It may never be finished, and as such, is a read at your own risk. It is posted here, unedited, in all of its glory. Please do not ask me for updates regarding this story, or any other story in the Evil Author Day series.

 

Severus hadn’t meant to overhear anything at all.  He’d been looking for nothing of importance, he’d just been… drinking.  Regretting his life choices, which had put him in the position to overhear the prophecy that would see to the Dark Lord’s demise, if it were allowed to come to fruition.

 

It was only sheer luck that had allowed Severus’ spell, the one which kept him concealed from Dumbledore and the mad old woman he was meeting with, had held.  There’d been a moment when Severus had been certain that the spell was going to fall, that he was going to be caught and he would get in trouble the likes of which he’d never dreamed of, but…

 

But that hadn’t happened, and now Severus had to deal with the consequences of that.

 

Because he knew, he knew beyond a shadow of doubt, who was bearing the child who would defeat the Dark Lord, and he couldn’t turn her over to the Dark Lord.  There was nothing in him that would allow for such a betrayal.

 

But what option did he have?

 

Severus sank to the floor of the filthy alley behind the Hog’s Head Inn, his head cradled in his hands.

 

What could he do but turn Lily over to the Dark Lord?  Merlin forbid, if someone else found out about the prophecy, if that someone knew that Severus had known and hadn’t offered the Dark Lord the information…  to say that his life would be forfeit would be an understatement.  He would be killed, probably after being terribly tortured.  And then Lily would die anyway.

 

There was hope, Severus supposed, in that Dumbledore had been the one the old woman had spoken to.  If Dumbledore cared at all about Lily and James, then he wouldn’t hesitate to get them into hiding.

 

Severus let out a bitter, choked laugh.  If Dumbledore cared.  Was he really willing to base Lily’s continued survival on Dumbledore caring about anyone or anything than whatever goal he was working towards?

 

No.  No, he wasn’t.

 

But what else could he do?

 

Severus looked down at the damning mark on his arm.  If he went to the authorities, it would be Azkaban for him, no questions asked, and he would rot there.  If he was lucky, maybe someone would listen to what he was saying about the prophecy, but…  Well.  Luck had never been kind to Severus.

 

_ Sanctuary _ .

 

The word popped, unbidden, into Severus’ mind, and he shook it off immediately.  Claiming Sanctuary?  No one had done that in centuries, and who knew if it would even be honored anymore?  Besides, who would he go to?  What Pureblood in good standing was on Dumbledore’s side and cared about Lily Potter’s life…

 

And there was his answer.  James Potter.  He worshipped his wife, would do anything to protect her.  Including honoring a plea of Sanctuary from...

 

“No,” Severus muttered to himself.  He shook his head and clenched his fists in his hair.  No, that wouldn’t work.  Maybe if the information was coming from anyone else, James might be inclined to trust it.  But from Snivellus?  The man he hated more than anything?

 

But Severus was left wondering once more what other options he had, because it was starting to seem frighteningly like there were none left, other than… giving the information to Voldemort, which was no option at all because Severus refused to be directly responsible for Lily’s death, or not telling anyone and praying.

 

And Severus wasn’t inclined to pray.

 

“Right,” he said, and stood on shaky legs.  If he was left with only bad options, then it was clear that he needed to choose the one that had the best possible outcome.  And the solution that would likely guarantee Lily’s survival, even if it damned Severus, was going to James Potter and pleading for Sanctuary, and hoping that there was enough of a Pureblood in him to acknowledge the old ways.

 

It wasn’t much of a chance, but at the moment, it was all that Severus had.

 

He Apparated with a sharp crack.

 

ooOOooOOoo

 

If making the decision had been hard, actually knocking on the Potter family door in Godric’s Hollow was impossible.

 

Severus had been outside the door for what felt like a small eternity, staring at the happily lit home, wondering what would happen when he finally dared to knock.  If he dared, which he didn’t know if he would.  He’d never been courageous, not really, and he was finding that this act was taking more courage than he’d ever had.

 

He sat on the steps of the front porch, his head buried in his hands once more.  He didn’t know what to do.

 

Lily was going to die, and it was going to be his fault.

 

He was going to get her killed.

 

The sob didn’t take him by surprise.  He’d felt it building in his chest, in his throat, until he had to let it out before it choked him.  So he did, and his eyes blurred with tears, and he curled in on himself.  He didn’t know if it was indecision, frustration, or humiliation that made him cry the way that he was, but whatever caused it, he couldn’t make himself stop.

 

And then he heard James Potter clear his throat behind him, and Severus did his best to stifle his sobs, to stop his tears.  He wouldn’t let him see him cry.  He couldn’t.

 

“You’ve been out here for two hours, just so you know,” James said, his tone shockingly conversational.  “At first I was… concerned, because you are a known Death Eater, but you never activated our wards.  They would have… encouraged you to leave, had you had ill intentions.  So that’s something, at least.”

 

Severus didn’t know what to say.  Now that James Potter was out here, talking to him, he couldn’t open his mouth to speak.  He was too busy trying to get himself under control, and failing miserably.  The tears still streamed down his cheeks, and his shoulders still shook from the effort of repressing his sobs.

 

James came down the stairs to stand in front of Severus, twirling his wand idly in his hand.  Such a casual stance had never looked so terrifying to Severus. “What brings a Death Eater to my door at ten o’clock at night, Severus Snape?”

 

Severus closed his eyes and struggled once more to get himself under control.  This time, it worked, and he managed to stop crying.  He wiped the tears from his cheeks and took a few seconds to breathe deeply, so that his voice wouldn’t tremble when he finally spoke.  Then, still frightened, still not sure of whether or not he would do any good at all, Severus said, “I have information for you, and I want…”  He stopped talking.  Now that the time had come, he really couldn’t bring himself to say it.

 

He couldn’t open himself up for the pain of being rejected, and wasn’t that bloody stupid of him?  James Potter had hated him for longer than Severus had…  no.  No, he wasn’t going there.  If he did this at all, it would be for Lily.  Never for James.

 

“Are you here to bargain with me, Severus?”  James’ brow furrowed.  “I can’t…  I mean, I’m an Auror, yes, but I’m not qualified to do anything other than investigate, arrest, and interrogate people.  I can’t get you a lighter sentence or… anything, really.”

 

Severus shook his head.  “I’m not asking you for legal help,” he whispered.  He looked down, because he couldn’t actually face James if he was going to make his request.  And he had to, because otherwise…  otherwise he was dead, or worse.  “I’m here to ask you for Sanctuary.”

 

There was a moment of complete silence.  It wasn’t an easy silence, and the word hadn’t come easily to Severus’ lips.  He’d had to struggle to get it out, because it had felt strangely weighted.  The silence was just as weighted, and there was the feeling of something building around him, something electric and terrifying.

 

At least he knew he’d been successful.  He’d invoked the request for Sanctuary.  If James granted it…

 

But he wouldn’t, and Severus knew it.  And he would still give James the information, because he wouldn’t be the reason that Lily died.  He couldn’t.

 

And then James spoke.  “I grant your request.”  The words resonated, echoing oddly, even though they hadn’t been particularly loud.  The electricity in the air sizzled, crackling between Severus and James, and then dissipated as though it had never been.

 

Severus finally dared to look up.  James was staring at him, his hazel eyes dark and his brow furrowed.  “You…”  He let out a shuddering sigh.  He hadn’t thought…   James wasn’t supposed to…

 

It was only after James accepted his request that Severus realized he’d actually wanted James to turn him down.  He’d wanted to suffer, to try to atone for the wrongs he’d committed in the name of the Dark Lord.  And now that he’d been granted Sanctuary by a Pureblood lord…  there was no way he would go to prison, not as long as he didn’t violate the Laws of Sanctuary.

 

He only realized that he was crying again when James’ figure went blurry.  He looked down and away, determined not to let James see him cry.  He hadn’t allowed that in years, if ever.

 

“Let’s get you inside,” James said, his voice studiously neutral.  “And then you can clean yourself up, and we can discuss this information that you have for me.”

 

Severus scrubbed at his eyes, nodded, and stood shakily once more.  He almost fell, because his knees didn’t quite want to listen to him, and to his shock and horror, James caught him.  The motion was easy for James, like it didn’t matter at all, but Severus jerked away as though he’d been burned.

 

He could still feel the touch of James’ hands on him as he followed James into his house.

 

Lily was still awake.  Severus could hear her moving somewhere in the house, and he wanted… but he didn’t dare.  He wouldn’t go and see her.  He couldn’t.  How was he to face her?

 

“Do you want to speak with Lily as well as myself, when we discuss your information?”  James still sounded neutral, but Severus wasn’t a fool.

 

There was a right and a wrong answer to that question, and he wasn’t stupid enough to give the wrong answer.  “Don’t worry, Potter,” he muttered, his voice lacking its usual vitriol.  “I won’t say a word to her while I’m in your care.  My information is for you, as head of the Potter family.”

 

“Are you determined to take everything I say badly?” James bit out as they climbed a flight of stairs.  “Because if that’s the case, you’re going to make the next… Merlin, however long you’re under Sanctuary with us, very difficult.”

 

The last thing Severus wanted was to make this harder than it was going to be.  “I apologize,” he whispered, and didn’t look up.  He just stared at the carpet that passed under his feet until James stopped moving and he ran into his back.  Then he took a hasty step back, his cheeks heating.  “Sorry,” he said.

 

“It’s fine,” James said dismissively.  “This… it will be an adjustment for all of us, you know.  Just… just assume that if I’m making an offer, it isn’t intended to be in bad faith.  I’m not looking to make this hard on you, you know.”

 

“Why do you care?” Severus asked, the words slipping out before he could stop them.

 

James shrugged.  “Because you invoked Sanctuary, and we both know how serious that claim is.  You know that it wouldn’t have worked if your need hadn’t been genuine, right?”

 

Severus hadn’t known that, actually.  His lessons on things Pureblood were… painfully incomplete, no matter how much research he’d done when he was younger, no matter how much he’d hoped and studied and listened through keyholes when Malfoy was speaking…

 

Most of his heritage remained lost to him.

 

“I didn’t,” he muttered.  “I just… hoped.”  It wasn’t an emotion that Severus was familiar with, but it was the only description for what he’d been feeling when he went to James.

 

“Well, now you know,” James muttered.  He looked away.  “So.  This is our guest suite.  There’s a bathroom and shower and everything, and a bed, and I think we’ve even got some spare pajamas in there.  I can send our house elf, Ellie, to pick up any of your things that you want from wherever you were living while you take a few minutes to clean up.  And then we’ll talk, in your sitting room, I think.”

 

Severus had his own sitting room.  How ridiculous.  He didn’t even have much of one of those at Spinner’s End.

 

He fought the urge to scoff, and instead just nodded.  “Thank you,” he said.

 

“Did you eat dinner?” James asked, rocking back on his heels.

 

Severus wasn’t prepared for the question.  “No,” he said honestly, and almost immediately regretted it.  His stomach was too upset for food, and the Laws of Sanctuary would demand that James feed him, or at least try to.

 

James studied him with a critical eye.  “How about some soup?” he asked, not unkindly.  “You don’t look like you’re in a state for much of anything else.”

 

Severus sighed.  “I’ll try,” he said.  That was all that he could promise.

 

“Good.”  There was a curious, soft quality to James’ voice when he said it that Severus couldn’t begin to guess at.  “I’ll let you get a shower, then.  Just leave your dirty clothes in a heap, and Ellie will take care of them for you.”

 

Severus nodded, then ducked into the suite he’d been given.  Suite.  Ridiculous.  As if he needed an entire suite.  What would he do with it, entertain the friends he didn’t have?

 

Severus shook the thoughts off.  He found the mentioned set of pajamas, and hoped that Ellie would return with some of his clothes before he was out of the shower.  He didn’t exactly have a spare pair of underwear just lying around, after all.

 

ooOOooOOoo

 

By the time he got out of the shower in a cloud of steam, Ellie had indeed been to his house, judging by the underwear that waited on top of the pajamas.  It should be embarrassing, and it was, but Severus was at least glad that it wasn’t James who had gone.  James Potter had already seen more than enough of his underwear.

 

Severus dried off and got dressed and blamed the lingering heat from his shower for the heat in his cheeks.  He wasn’t blushing.

 

He left the bathroom, shivering in the suddenly cool air of the bedroom.  It was still early Spring, and the air hadn’t yet lost its bite.  He felt it, then, and wished briefly to be someplace warm, and safe.  This house might be relatively safe for him, but Severus was no fool.  It was safe only because of Sanctuary, and that was enough to chill him to the bone.

 

If this didn’t work out, Severus knew that he had nowhere to turn.  He would die if he somehow managed to make a mistake with the Laws.

 

Severus shook the thought off and returned to the sitting room that he’d barely looked at.  It was small, but fully furnished, with a couch, two armchairs, a coffee table, and a fireplace that was currently roaring.  And on the couch was… 

 

Severus let out a shuddering sigh and resisted the urge to turn and flee.

 

Lily was there, her head resting against James’ shoulder.  At his sigh, both Lily and James turned to look at him.  Lily’s eyes were bright with… something, an emotion that Severus refused to analyze enough to identify.  Besides, he hadn’t looked for long enough.  He’d dropped his gaze as soon as he could bring himself to.

 

“James tried to tell me that you didn’t want to speak to me,” Lily said, her voice sharp.

 

Severus flinched.  “I didn’t want…”  He stopped.  It didn’t matter that he’d had the best of intentions, that he hadn’t wanted to panic her unnecessarily with the information he had, that he didn’t want to stress her out when she was already under the stress of pregnancy with his unwanted presence… none of that mattered.

 

“Come sit,” James said.  “You two can talk while you eat your soup.”

 

The thought of eating made Severus’ stomach churn, and the thought of talking to Lily, who hated him, while trying to eat… It wasn’t going to happen.

 

Still, Severus sat on the chair directly across from the couch.  “I’d rather just give you the information that I have,” he whispered.  He didn’t look up, didn’t meet either one of their eyes.  He couldn’t.  He didn’t have the strength.

 

“Tell us, then,” Lily said, her voice still sharp.

 

When Severus dared to glance up at her, her eyes were cool with anger.  He dropped his gaze to his hands, which he was twisting together in his lap.  “I was at the Hog’s Head Inn tonight,” he began, his voice shaking.  “When I realized that Dumbledore was there, interviewing with some old woman who wanted to teach Divinations at Hogwarts.  He was just getting ready to send her on her way, I think, when she came out with a real prophecy.”

 

“You overheard a prophecy?” James asked, his voice hushed.  “Severus, that’s—”

 

“Prophecies aren’t definite,” Lily snapped.

 

Severus flinched.  “I know,” he said.  “But there are only so many people that this prophecy could apply to, and I…  I didn’t trust Dumbledore to relay the information in a timely fashion to those who need it most.”  He drew in a shuddering breath.  “The prophecy spoke of a child who would be born with the power to defeat the Dark Lord, who would be born at the end of July, to parents who had thrice defied the Dark Lord.”

 

Lily let out a shocked little gasp.  “You think—”  She stopped, and her swallow was audible.

 

“And you came to us with this, rather than trusting that Dumbledore would tell us?”  James asked neutrally.

 

Severus just shrugged.  He didn’t trust Dumbledore, but he didn’t expect two of Dumbledore’s favorite people to understand that.

 

“Thank you,” James finally said.  Lily said nothing at all, and James continued with, “This will give us time to plan out our next move.  Severus, you may have saved our lives.”

 

Severus didn’t know how to respond, so he ducked his head.  His stomach was still in knots, and he was tired, and he still wondered if he’d made the right choice.  Yes, he was safe, but for how long?  How long would it be before Lily’s rage at him had James throwing him out, in spite of whatever penalty there was for violating the Laws of Sanctuary?  It wasn’t like James didn’t have the money to pay whatever fines were levied, assuming it was a monetary fine.

 

And then what would he do, when he had nowhere else to go?


	2. Chapter 2

When Severus woke, the house was silent.

He stayed in bed for a long time, staring up at the ceiling. It was unfamiliar, without the cracks and blemishes that dotted the ceiling at Spinner’s End. And the bed was soft, so very soft, and was missing the broken spring that always prodded him in the small of his back when he tried to sleep.

Getting used to it would be a terrible decision, because Severus knew he wouldn’t have too long to do so. Now that he’d given the Potters the information about the prophecy, they wouldn’t grant him Sanctuary for much longer. He wasn’t stupid. Lily still hated him, after all, and rightfully so. And Potter… well, he’d always hated him.

There was little doubt in Severus’ mind that James would be waiting for the most terrible time to throw him out.

The thought made him ache. He rolled onto his side and curled up into a ball. Why had he thought it was a good idea to ask for Sanctuary?

Because it was the only option he could think of the night before. He should have waited. He should have held out until the morning, because things always looked better then. Except for this particular morning, of course, when Severus found himself regretting every decision he’d ever made. Every decision that had led him to this very moment, lying in a strange bed in a hostile house, wondering when he’d be thrown back to the wolves.

The house elf, Ellie, appeared in his room, jarring him from his thoughts. “Breakfast for Master Snape,” she announced. She saw that he was still in bed and frowned. “Unless Master Snape is not wanting breakfast right now,” she added. She held a silver tray, covered in an impressive silver dome, in one hand, and she didn’t seem at all bothered by its weight.

“No, I’ll eat,” he said quickly. He wasn’t feeling particularly hungry, but he knew that he had to eat. He needed to keep his strength up as long as he was in a safe place, because who knew how long he’d be in that safe place?

Ellie nodded, her head bobbing. “Then Ellie will be setting up breakfast in Master Snape’s dining room.”

Severus hadn’t realized that he had a dining room. He supposed it made sense, if the Potters didn’t want him eating around them. And why would they? They both hated him.

Severus cut that line of thought off and instead followed the house elf through the sitting room he’d seen last night and into a small dining room. Well, Severus would call it more of a dining area. The table was scarcely big enough for more than one person, and the room was really more of an alcove attached to the sitting room.

He settled down there and poked quietly at the breakfast the house elf revealed to him. It was a full English breakfast, far richer than what he normally ate for his first meal. He had no idea how much of it he would be able to eat, but he suspected that the answer wasn’t going to be all of it.

Still, he tried, and managed about half of the food. By the time Ellie came to take the platter away, he’d retreated to the sitting room, where he stared blankly at the walls. It wasn’t like there was anything much else that he could do. He didn’t have a lab here, and if there was a lab in the house, he wasn’t foolish enough to request access to it.

Maybe he could read, but there weren’t any books in the sitting room, and he wasn’t sure if he was allowed out or not. If he had been, he assumed that the elf would have fetched him for breakfast rather than bringing it to him.

He was just as much a prisoner here as he was anywhere else.

Well, at least he wasn’t in pain here. And if he was a prisoner, at least he knew he’d done the right thing, for the first time in his life.

“Does Master Snape need anything before Ellie goes about her duties?” the elf asked.

Severus hesitated. “Maybe a quill and some parchment?” he asked, a bit uncertainly. He didn’t know if he was going to use it, or what he would do with it, but he supposed that, if nothing else, he could continue working on his cure for lycanthropy. Although, if he did work on that, there wasn’t much chance of him getting very far without the ability to test his experiments.

Maybe, once he’d worked out a viable formula, Lily would test it for him. Of course, for her to do that, she’d have to be talking to him.

“Ellie can get that,” the house elf said, interrupting him from his thoughts once more. She dipped into a curtsey, then disappeared with a quiet pop. She was back moments later, where she placed the requested items on Severus’ coffee table. Then she was gone again, leaving Severus alone with his thoughts.

It wasn’t a pleasant place to be, but he supposed he deserved to be uncomfortable in his own skin. He was a monster, after all, who’d requested protection from people who hated him. How much more pathetic could he be?

ooOOooOOoo

After lunch, which Severus only knew because of the house elf, he’d given up on working on his potion. Well, his modification of Wolfsbane. The true credit would always belong to Damocles Belby, the original inventor. He couldn’t run through the new recipe he’d come up with without a lab, and his attempts to run through it in his mind never worked out. He kept losing track of the step he was on, or forgetting which ingredients he’d imagined adding.

Besides those very real problems, he could never properly account for the interactions of ingredients which had never been combined in that way.

So working on Wolfsbane was useless.

He found himself wishing that he could talk through it with Lily, and knowing that she would never speak to him again. That much had been made clear last night. Her frosty reception… He’d deserved it, though. After what he’d called her…

He definitely deserved her hatred. She would never forgive him, and Severus knew that she never should. But… just because she would never forgive him didn’t mean that he couldn’t apologize. He owed her that much. She deserved to hear him grovel for forgiveness, deserved more than that, even.

He thought about what he would say to her, if given the chance, then, with a deep breath, put quill to parchment.

_Lily,_

_There are no words for how sorry I am about the way that I treated you in our fifth year. I know that I already apologized once for calling you that awful name, but I need to apologize for more than that. I never should have joined the Death Eaters. They’re monsters, and by joining them, I became a monster as well._

_I saw them as people who would accept me. This is no excuse for joining them, of course, because doing terrible things in the name of acceptance still means doing terrible things. And Lily, I’ve done terrible things, things that give me nightmares. I deserve them, I know, because what I suffer is certainly no worse than what those who had those terrible things done to them suffer._

_This letter isn’t even making sense, not really. I just… I’m so very sorry, for everything I’ve done. I’m sorry I called you that stupid name, I’m sorry I let my rivalry with Black extend to your James, I’m sorry that I let myself sink further and further into the dark, and I’m sorry for becoming a burden on your family once more. If I’d had any other options…_

_But you don’t care about that. You don’t care about me, and that’s your prerogative. I ruined any chance I might have at being your friend, James’ friend… isn’t it pathetic, that I’ve never quite gotten over—_

Severus stopped writing and stared at the sentence he’d begun. Merlin, she would laugh if he gave her that. She would… she could… the ammunition a sentence like that would have given her…

But Lily wasn’t him, and would never use his words against him.

The old Lily, the one who had been friends with him, she wouldn’t have. Severus didn’t know this older, wiser, colder Lily. She might use everything she had against him. Maybe she should. Maybe she would be better off that way.

She’d be better off if he’d never come back into her life. If he’d taken his knowledge to the grave. If he’d died with it, Voldemort never would have known about the prophecy. Dumbledore still would have, and he supposed that would probably have been okay.

After all, Dumbledore liked the Potters, and he always took care of the students and former students that he’d liked.

Severus crumbled the parchment into a ball, shoved it away, stretched out on the couch, and gave into the shadows pulling at him. He let himself sleep, because he didn’t know what else to do with himself, and he was tired of fighting off the exhaustion that lingered all around him.

ooOOooOOoo

He woke to a throbbing ache in his left forearm, one that he knew well. The Dark Lord was summoning him. He groaned as he sat up and raked a hand through his hair. He really should get going before the ache got any worse. He had to…

No, that wasn’t right. He didn’t have to do anything. In fact, he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t answer the call even if he wanted to, because he’d very thoroughly betrayed the Dark Lord, and going to him would surely mean his death.

Not that Severus wanted to go to him anyway.

Merlin, this was exhausting.

He looked down at the mark on his arm and wondered how long it would hurt like that. He’d never met someone who’d attempted to ignore the call, so there was a chance… there was a chance that it would burn like that forever. Severus knew that it wasn’t exactly taxing for the Dark Lord to maintain a summoning, and while it might be painful for the Death Eater he was using, the Dark Lord wasn’t the type to care about that.

Severus drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. This could be his new normal. That was… that was terrifying, actually. Because while the pain wasn’t terrible at the moment, if it were to continue…

On the other hand, if it simply stayed at the same level and didn’t increase, it might not be as terrible as all that. He could learn to live with this. He’d heard about the practice of Occlumency as applied to chronic pain, and there was a chance that he could learn to use the mind art to block out the pain from his arm. If he really thought about it, the burning wasn’t so bad.

He let his head fall back against the couch. Who was he kidding? This was going to be terrible, especially if it really did keep up for the rest of his life.

There was a tapping at the door, followed by a lowly called, “Snape, are you in there?”

“Where else would I be?” Severus called back before he could think about it.

The door cracked open, and James slipped into the room. He looked mildly amused at Severus’ response. “You could be any number of places,” he said, smiling. “I wanted to extend the invitation for you to join us for dinner tonight. I know that you spent the day in your room, and you must be lonely.”

Lonely. Severus couldn’t imagine what that felt like. Or, perhaps more properly, he couldn't imagine what it was like not to be lonely. He’d never thought he’d needed people, not until after his fight with Lily, when he’d found himself very much alone. Alone of people who truly cared about him, anyway.

But he wouldn’t impose on the Potters to deal with his loneliness. He was already taking enough advantage of them.

“I’m fine in my room,” Severus said. He didn’t mean for it to come out as waspish as he knew it did, but the pain in his arm increased at that very moment. So, that was it. It wasn’t going to stay level, but it was going to get worse.

“Are you?” James took a step further into his room. “You know, there are things that I’m obligated to do, as your Sanctum, and that includes making sure that all of your need are being met. I cannot allow you to come to harm in this house, Severus, and leaving you to rot in here does count as letting you come to harm.”

Severus swallowed hard. Sanctum. That was a word he was unfamiliar with. He probably should have done more research into Sanctuary before requesting it of the Potters, but there just hadn’t been time. He’d known, somehow, that if he didn’t go to them immediately, he never would. Likely because he would convince himself that it wasn’t his responsibility to save their child.

He was a coward, and he would have taken the coward’s way out if he hadn’t taken away his own option to do so.

“I’m fine,” he said again, this time intending to put venom in his voice. It came out tired, though, and his venom wasn’t nearly venomous enough. The pain in his arm was distracting him even from that. Lovely.

James was frowning at him. “If you’re sure,” he said, though his tone said that he doubted that very much. “I’ll have Ellie bring you dinner, then.”

Once James had retreated from the room, Severus let out a harsh groan of pain and clutched at his arm. It was getting worse. Not much worse, but the length of time it had gone on for… Normally, by now, Severus would have gone to the Dark Lord and the pain would have stopped. He’d never realized before how awful it was.

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe through it, wishing that he had something more to distract him than the pain in his arm that wasn’t going away. A book would have been lovely, or perhaps a conversation. If he hadn’t been so rude, maybe James would have stayed for a few minutes longer, giving him something to focus on…

Or maybe not. Maybe he just would have wished and hoped and gotten his hopes ruined once more. Life seemed to be good a ruining his dreams. He’d thought he’d have a future with Lily, but that was clearly never meant to have been. He’d thought he could rise to glory as a Potions Master in the Dark Lord’s service, but he was far too soft-hearted and cowardly to make a proper Death Eater. He’d never even dared to dream that he and James could ever…

“The pain is making me maudlin,” he muttered to himself. He stood up and began to pace. It was something, even though it was something small, to distract him.

Ellie brought him dinner, then. Severus knew that he should be hungry, given that he hadn’t had any lunch, but he could barely bring himself to pick at his food. He tried, because he didn’t want to make anyone worry about him. As though anyone would worry about him.

He shook the thought off. James had said that he had responsibilities, and Severus would not be the reason he violated those responsibilities.

He tried to eat, and managed less than half of the plate before the pain in his arm increased once more. Now it was burning, the pain lancing from the skull marking down to his fingers and up through his shoulder. It was a vile pain, and Severus wondered vaguely if he might be able to cut off his arm and remove the source of the pain.

A cowardly thought, just like all of his others.

He went to his bed, closed the door, and curled up on his side, leaving the burning arm free of the blankets. It hurt terribly when he so much as brushed against it, so he couldn’t imagine what lying on top of it all night would do.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

It was a long time coming.

ooOOooOOoo

Severus woke up with a vague idea that it was bright outside, and he should try to wake up. He should try to get out of bed. But his arm felt like it was on fire, and he couldn’t bring himself to move. This was it. This was how he would die.

Defying the Dark Lord by staying in bed in a pair of filthy pajamas, with his arm too hurt to do anything but lie there and sob.

“Master Severus? You is not eating breakfast, and Ellie is being worried,” the house elf said.

Severus couldn’t even find the will to answer her, to tell her that he was in pain. He opened his mouth, and all that came out was a choked sob. The pain was getting worse, so much worse, and every moment he ignored it was a moment that lingered for an eternity.

It wouldn’t be long now, he didn’t think.

Pain really could kill, and this was the kind of pain that would do that. He could feel his heart racing as his body reacted to the constant, terrible stimulus. A Muggle heart attack would likely be his cause of death. At this moment, he didn’t even think that he would regret it all that much.

At least he’d told Lily about the prophecy. Maybe, once he was gone, she and James would find it in their hearts to think fondly of him on occasion. They would likely be the only ones who would.

He closed his eyes and ignored the way that his tears seeped from under his eyelids.

There was another knock on his door, and Severus ignored it. It wasn’t like he could speak to answer it anyway. Then the door slid open, and someone entered his room.

“My god, Severus,” Lily breathed, horror choking her voice. “What on earth happened?”

He would have rathered she not be there, actually. The sight of him like this had to truly be pathetic. It was just as well that he didn’t have the power to answer. Perhaps she’d leave him to die his miserable death in peace.

“The Dark Mark,” she whispered, her voice brightening slightly in realization.

She hadn’t left, then. That was just his luck, Severus supposed.

“I’ll be back,” she said, and then she was gone.


End file.
